


thanos’ drag race

by castielfalls



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M, Rupaul’s Drag Race AU, crackfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2019-11-04 21:44:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17906225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castielfalls/pseuds/castielfalls
Summary: All contestants chosen via a vote on Twitter, we welcome the fourteen of them to Thanos’ Drag Race! They must compete to be America’s Next Top Drag Queen! They must do their best to make it as the champion or they face decimation.[ DISCLAIMER: Crackfic! Do not take anything seriously! ]





	1. this is how it works

Hello everyone, before we begin I’m just gonna explain how this works.

So the roster of the fourteen contestants have all been chosen via voting out of 37 voters who voted for their favourites on my Twitter [ @70squill ]. This is the roster:

  1. Bruce Banner : 15 votes
  2. Clint Barton : 15 votes
  3. James Barnes : 15 votes
  4. James Rhodes : 15 votes
  5. Loki Laufeyson : 26 votes
  6. Matthew Murdock : 15 votes
  7. Peter Parker : 13 votes
  8. Peter Quill : 16 votes
  9. Sam Wilson : 18 votes
  10. Scott Lang : 21 votes
  11. Stephen Strange : 19 votes
  12. Steve Rogers : 18 votes
  13. Thor Odinson : 23 votes
  14. Tony Stark : 23 votes



The others, who did not make it into the fourteen, are below:

  1. Danny Rand : 2 votes
  2. Frank Castle : 6 votes
  3. Luke Cage : 7 votes
  4. T’Challa : 11 votes
  5. Vision : 5 votes



Now that you know the full roster, this is how it will work:

By the end of a chapter, we will be down to the bottom two. You will have to vote via commenting on who among the bottom two will be eliminated (or, in this case, _decimated_ ). I will leave the vote for two days after posting. There were also be a poll on my Twitter for you to choose who to eliminate. If that is clear, we shall start! I hope you have fun reading this, this is 100% a crack fic and is in no way supposed to be taken seriously. The drag names and jokes are chosen and used out of humour and not intended to offend anyone, if I happen to unintentionally use a rude joke. Please, just have fun with it. All outfits derived from Rupaul’s Drag Race (great show, please watch if you have not) and most (if not all) challenges are derived from RPDR as well.

 


	2. introduction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> first time in the workroom, thanos issues the mini and maxi challenges next chapter

Tony struts into the workroom, dressed in a mostly red and gold outfit. A big plastic red rose is clipped to his black wig, and bold makeup colours his face. His long eyelashes are especially luscious with false lashes stuck on. He has a light red top on, dark red outerwear with gold linings over it. A short black skirt and black fishnets show off his legs, and red leather boots up to his knees finishes off the look. A dark holographic scarf is tied around his neck and pushed to a side.

He flashes a grin, “Your queen is here!” He laughs, striking a pose.

“The greatest gift anyone gave the world was me. Tony Stark, AKA Iron Whore. I do my drag in New York,” Tony says, raising a suggestive eyebrow at ‘Iron Whore’.

—

 **Iron** **Whore**

_27, Manhattan, New York_

“My drag personality is pretty straight-forward. It’s all in the name.” He laughs. “Don’t take it seriously, it’s a joke between me and my best friend, Rhodey. I love wearing revealing clothes, what I’m wearing right now isn’t it, but I do like it. I have a great body, I’m gonna show it off! Gay guys love me, straight guys love me. I am a person for the people.“

—

Bruce walks in, wearing a low-cut shimmery green dress that stops at his knees. Green feathers and a translucent green veil cover a part of his face. His hands are covered golden fingerless gloves. His look is very plain compared to Tony’s.

“I could sashay the life out of anyone and never change a shade. I’m Bruce the Drag Queen. Based in New York,” Bruce introduces.

—

 **Bruce** **the** **Drag** **Queen**

_27, New York City, New York_

“I would say I’m kind of new to it, I’ve only been doing it for a little over a year, so I’m not as good as some other queens. But I’m getting there. I’m hoping to find my style here.”

—

Tony waves excitedly, “Bruce! You didn’t say you got in!” Bruce laughs, going over to give Tony a hug.

—

 **Bruce** **the** **Drag** **Queen**

“Oh, Tony and I go a long way back. We used to be in the same Science class! This is such a nice surprise.”

 —

The moment Rhodey walks into the workroom, Tony gasps loudly and cheers, “Rhodey!” Rhodey returns the excitement, giving him a grin while he shows off his outfit to the camera.

“This is how we do it, bitch. I’m James Rhodes, you can call me Rhodey or Whore Machine. From New York, baby!” Rhodey says, chuckling a little bit. Rhodey is in knee height black leather boots along with a tight black dress that reveals one leg.

—

 **Whore** **Machine**

_27, Manhattan, New York_

“Tony and I are best friends, and we came up with our names together. Which is hilarious, because now we have these matching names that just make no sense.” He laughs. “I mean... Iron Whore? Whore Machine? What?”

—

Bucky walks in, not a smile on his face but a frown. Tony, Rhodey and Bruce stare at him unknowingly. He looks tired, but he does pose for the camera either way. He is in a one piece black lace suit. It’s see-through on his arms, collarbones and legs, just until his knees. Two white earrings hang from his earlobes, and red eyeshadow and lipstick of the same shade pop on his face. A tattooed red star on his left shoulder is visible through the lace. He has a light brown wig on, and it smoothly cascades over his shoulders.

“Not bad for the end of the world. I’m Bucky Barnes. Winter Wonder. Brooklyn kid,” Bucky says before heading to the table.

—

 **Winter**   **Wonder**

_28, Brooklyn, New York_

“I guess my style isn’t as... out there as some others. I.E, a certain Iron someone... But I hope I last long enough here to really get down to it, get out of my shell. I came here to be better.”

—

“What has you so down?” Rhodey asks curiously.

Tony rolls his eyes, “This is the bitch Steve dumped me for.”

Bucky winces, “Stark, I said I was sorry.”

—

 **Winter**   **Wonder**

“Okay, yeah. Steve broke up with Tony for me. That’s hardly my fault!” He sighs, shaking his head. “Come on.”

—

 **Iron** **Whore**

He rolls his eyes. “I’m allowed to feel mad about it.” He pauses. “Okay, you know what? I’m not mad at Barnes and Noble over there. I’m mad at Ms Patriotic.”

—

Clint interrupts them as he saunters in, laughing, “You didn’t see me coming? I’m Clint, or Robyn Hood! Brooklyn boy,” He’s dressed in a purple dress that wraps tightly around his body, a cape of a lighter purple trailing behind him. The dress shimmers under the workroom’s light.

—

 **Robyn** **Hood**

_31, Brooklyn, New York_

“I’ve always liked archery, so of course, that inspired my name. My style jumps all over the place, so hopefully it’ll keep the judges interested in what’ll come next.”

—

“Are we all New York? This is unbelievable,” Bruce jokes.

—

 **Iron** **Whore**

“Yeah. I’m gonna be the top New York bitch here. Just watch.”

—

Another contestant walks in. Though his hair is still short, it’s clearly a wig styled like how he normally wears his hair. It’s a light orange colour, and it matches his red lipstick and red high heels. He has on a blue dress that reveals one leg, and it drags across the floor in an elegant way as he poses in front of the camera. Tony stares at him, mystified.

“This is the part where you all leave. Stephen Strange, but I am also the Sorceress Supreme. New York,” Stephen introduces.

—

 **Sorceress** **Supreme**

_26, New York City, New York_

“I suppose my style lies more in the magical, fantasy type of art. Right now, it’s not showing, but I just wanted to wear something easier and then do something more me for the challenges.”

—

“Welcome, we are a New York cult!” Clint laughs, waving him over to the table.

“Hi, my name’s Tony, I’m also bisexual,” Tony says, welcoming Stephen with a hug.

Stephen laughs as he returns it, “Well, I’m gay, so there’s that.”

—

 **Iron** **Whore**

He laughs. “Both this competition and this sorceress is mine.”

—

 **Sorceress** **Supreme**

He smiles. “Hot. That’s all I have to say.”

—

Loki struts in, as confidently as Tony, if not more. His long black wig shines beautifully, the makeup gorgeous. He’s wearing this strange golden headwear, horns extending from it. He’s in a green suit with a fish-scale pattern on it, a brown and golden belt around his waist. Two brown bands circle his wrists and boots of the same colour go up to his knees. There’s speckles of gold in his wig, and a beige cape rests on his shoulders. (See Lady Loki.)

—

**Robyn Hood**

He exhales. “This girl... is competition. We all know it. She’s beautiful.”

—

Loki smiles to the camera, posing like a professional supermodel, “Kneel before me. Loki. Or Enchantress. Or, you know, the winner of this drag race. Norway.”

—

**Enchantress**

_22, Norway_

“My style?” He smiles. “My style is elegance. I will win this with class.”

—

 **Winter**   **Wonder**

He shakes his head dejectedly. “Why did I sign up for this? I’m going to lose.”

—

Thor walks in, a little less elegantly as Loki. He and Loki seem to have some sort of running theme of mythical. A silver helmet with wings on the side of it covers the upper half of his face, his long blonde hair visible. A red cape that trails behind him only slightly accentuates the rest of his outfit. (See Jane Foster’s Thor.)

He takes off the helmet smoothly, giving the camera a dashing grin, “What’s the matter? Scared of a little lightning? Thor the Goddess. Also Norway.”

—

 **Thor** **the** **Goddess**

_25, Norway_

“Is the name a little bold? Perhaps. Loki would say so. But you have to be bold to win, and it is what it is.”

—

“Goddess is right!” Clint whoops, hyping him up. Thor laughs and joins them at the table, hugging Tony and Bruce who pull him in for one.

“You’re both Norway, are you sisters?” Stephen asks.

“Unfortunately,” Loki sighs. The others laugh as the next contestant comes in. He dances his way into the room, a bright and contagious smile on his face. He’s in a tight black dress, red roses zig zagging down the length to the red and frilly bottom of the dress. There’s a big red rose in his blonde wig as well, matching the ones on his dress, the lower half of the dress and his lipstick. This time, it’s Thor who’s mystified.

“Showtime, A-holes! I’m Peter Quill, but Star-Lady is just fine,” he smiles. “Straight outta Missouri, baby!”

—

**Star-Lady**

_24, St. Charles, Missouri_

“My style relies a lot on music. I grew up with it being really important in my life, I try to put a little bit of what my music makes me feel into my wardrobe. Make sense?”

—

“Tell us about yourself,” Thor says.

“I like to put my favourite music into my outfits, one way or another. Maybe a lyric inspires an accessory, or whatever,” Quill answers, smiling.

Bruce laughs, “What song are you trying to channel through that makeup?”

“Bye Bye Bye by *NSYNC,” Quill replies. “Bye, bitch.”

—

 **Thor** **the** **Goddess**

“I’m sold on Star-Lady.” He nods. “Very sold.”

—

 **Star** - **Lady**

He laughs. “Nobody told me all the people here were gonna be so fine.” He leans closer, whispering playfully. “Thor the Goddess can strike me down with her lightning anytime.” He laughs again.

—

Matt walks in, donning a shimmery red dress. The skirt has partings that fold over each other slightly at the hip, but eventually fall together at the bottom. He has matching red sunglasses on and a red and white cane in his hand. Everyone stares speechlessly as he introduces, “My name is Jessica Jones. Hell’s Kitchen.”

—

 **Jessica** **Jones**

_28, Hell’s Kitchen, New York_

He takes a deep breath and begins to laugh loudly. “I can’t wait to see Jessica’s face when she finds out...” He laughs once more. “That she’s a drag queen.”

—

“Oh my God, are you actually blind?” Bruce asks as Matt sits down. “Because I realise you aren’t really using your cane...”

“Yes, I’m very much blind, and very much going to kick your ass,” Matt smiles.

Tony bursts out laughing, patting Matt on the back, “I love this girl already.” When the next contestant comes in, Tony’s face drops and says, “Oh, I hate this bitch.”

Steve walks in confidently, a white tiara on his blonde wig. Red lipstick matches the red and white skirt that cascades across the floor and trails behind him. The dress goes up to just above his chest. From the waist upwards is blue with white stars scattered across it, while waist down is red and white stripes. There’s a cloth resembling the American flag that rests loosely across his arms, which are in white fingerless gloves from elbow down.

“I can do this all day. I’m Steve Rogers, or Liberty Belle. Brooklyn,” he says. Bucky waves to him, smiling. Steve goes over, freezing when he spots Tony.

—

 **Iron** **Whore**

“Somebody stop me before I hurt a patriot’s feelings.”

—

 **Liberty** **Belle**

_27, Brooklyn, New York_

“I’m not one to use the Lord’s name in vain, but... Oh my God.”

—

**Enchantress**

“So apparently, Iron and Liberty have this long-standing rivalry because Liberty broke up with Iron very abruptly and very without warning for Winter.” He smiles. “Doesn’t matter to me. If they tear each other down, it’s all good.”

—

**Star-Lady**

He takes a sip of his drink. “Have no fucking clue what’s going on, but this tea is so hot.” He smirks. “In every way. This is sexy. Keep it going, ladies.”

—

The next one that comes in looks a little younger than the rest of them, and Tony perks up, grinning, “Peter!” Peter smiles brightly at him before he turns back to the camera, posing. He’s in a black suit that stops right at his pelvis, his legs on display up until the knees, which has ribbons criss-crossing their way down to black high heels. White lines strike across the skintight suit like spiderwebs. A silver cloth is wrapped around the waist, draping down onto the ground elegantly.

—

**Enchantress**

“Why does she look twelve... I have dresses older than her.”

—

“I’m Peter Parker, from Queens. My name's Michelle Jones but people call me Orb-weaver,” Peter says, dropping right out of his pose into a casual stance. “You know, like a spider, because—”

“Kid, you don’t need to explain. Come here,” Tony says. Peter goes over, smiling.

—

**Michelle "MJ" Jones**

_18, Queens, New York_

“Tony is here! He’s been an idol of mine for so long! We became friends a while back when he came to one of my shows. He’s just so cool. I hope he wins.” He pauses, before he smiles. “If I don’t. And I promise I’m not fifteen or whatever. I’m old enough. I mean, I’m eighteen. Yeah.”

—

Sam walks in, wearing a red dress that goes to his thighs. There’s a left sleeve that covers the entire length of his arm, but his right arm is exposed. Black sequins and strips of ribbons shine against the red of the dress.

“Sam Wilson, Harlem. Redwing Runway,” he introduces, posing. The others hype him up in the background as he comes up to join them at the table.

—

 **Winter**   **Wonder**

“No offence, but if she’s gonna dress like that all the way...” He smirks. “I’m sending a girl home, crying.”

—

 **Redwing** **Runway**

_29, Harlem, New York_

“It’s a trick.” He chuckles. “Let them think I’ve got nothin’ then bring everything.”

—

“Why don’t you wear earrings with that outfit?” Bucky asks carelessly.

“Walmart realness, baby,” Sam replies. “Wanted you to feel right at home.”

Quill bursts out laughing, shaking his head, “You didn’t have to do her like that.”

The final contestant walks in. He has these weird ant feelers on his head, a yellow visor connected to them coming down to cover the upper half of his face. His outfit is a mix of cobalt blue and bright yellow, little red linings going here and there. It’s striking enough.

“It ain’t over till the wasp lady stings. Scott Lang, San Francisco. Wasp Van Dyne,” he says, posing for the camera before joining the rest.

—

**Wasp Van Dyne**

_25, San Francisco, California_

“I love my girlfriend very much. Hope Van Dyne.” He smiles lovingly. “If we get married one day, I’m taking her last name. No Hope Lang, just Scott Van Dyne.”

—

“Way too many of us are from New York. Only exceptions are...” Clint struggles to remember. “Star-Lady, Thor and Enchantress?”

“Perks are, as long as none of them win, New York does,” Scott grins.

“Greetings, greetings, greetings,” Thanos says, entering the workroom. Everyone smiles in welcome and excitement. He is in a large purple dress that looks unflattering to his body shape. None of the contestants say anything about it. Thanos sighs loudly, saying, “I tried a new dress and it did not work. I know. Anyway, welcome to Thanos’ Drag Race! Are you excited?” Their response is invigorating, and Thanos smiles, lifting his gauntlet. The Stones shimmer beautifully against the workroom’s light, and he says, “You will be competing for an Infinity Stone, and a cash prize of any amount you desire.”

“Sounds good,” Clint grins.

“Shut the fuck up, don’t interrupt me, bitch,” Thanos snaps. Clint obeys.


	3. mini challenge 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late late late update i was busy with other stuff. i don't know how frequently i will update but i will try my best bc this fic makes me laugh not gonna lie

Thanos says, “Anyway, the first mini-challenge is a photoshoot. Now, get into your pathetic drag and we shall proceed with the photoshoot. So, follow me as you are.”

* * *

“Bitch, you look ugly as fuck,” Tony remarks when he walks up to Steve.

“Tony, please,” Steve whispers. He felt apologetic about dumping Tony so abruptly when he found Bucky again. He hadn’t meant to hurt Tony. 

“This has nothing to do with our history. You just look ugly,” Tony rolls his eyes, rechecking his makeup in a mirror. They were all assembled for the mini challenge where they had to do photoshoots on a living room set. “Redo your makeup, asshole.”

Quill laughs, shaking his head, “You people are ridiculous. Keep going. I love watching people fight.” He leans over to Thor, asking, “Do you know what happened between them?”

“Loki told me Liberty dumped Iron for Winter,” Thor replies in a whisper. Quill rolls his eyes, but he laughs anyway. Thor can’t help but laugh as well — Quill’s laugh was contagious.

—

**Sorceress Supreme**

He side-eyes off-screen. “What the hell is going on there?” _[a clip of Thor and Quill laughing together]_ “I see the two of them having this, pun intended, _strange_ chemistry.” He shrugs, smiling. “I wanna see if this ends in destruction or if something beautiful is coming from this competition.”

—

“This is the photographer,” Thanos introduces. The photographer looks like he just pissed his pants in fear. “I gave him a large sum of money to be here today. Who shall go first?”

Loki walks over elegantly, a confident smile on his face, “Me.” Loki poses fiercely, his presence taking up the whole room as the photographer took pictures of him. 

— 

**Redwing Runway**

“Bitch...” He sighs, shaking his head. “She ain’t here to play.”

—

**Star-Lady**

He smirks. “Damn, both the Norway hotties...” He glances off-screen before he laughs again. “Can’t wait to see how they look like out of drag...”

—

One by one, each contestant went up for their photoshoot. Clint botches it a little bit when he trips on his dress the moment the flash goes off — Loki laughs for ten years after that happens. It was clear that the best photoshoots were Loki and Tony.

Thanos looks over the photographs before he announces, “All of you did great, but one of you outdid the rest. Condragulations, Enchantress.” Everyone claps for Loki as he smiles at his win.

—

**Enchantress**

“I am a force to be reckoned with, and I expect that it’s showing. These girls are going to have to work hard if they want me to go home.”

—

“Now, being the winner of the mini challenge, you get to decide the order in which the queens go up for the maxi challenge,” Thanos says. Everyone looks on inquisitively, wondering what the maxi challenge was. Thanos explains, “You will have to write a roast about one of the main judges, Rocket Raccoon.”

Quill almost chokes on his drink and he coughs while Thor pats his back. Everyone gives him a weird stare as Thanos continues, “Don’t hold back. Make the bitch hurt. Enchantress will decide the order. And, on the runway, the theme is you. What drag outfit describes you the best? I shall leave you to it.” The queens bid Thanos goodbye as he snaps his fingers, disappearing.

“Hey, why’d you start coughing?” Bucky asks.

“Rocket... is my friend,” Quill answers. “He never told me he was a main judge for the show, what the fuck.”

—

**Star-Lady**

“Okay, listen...” He starts laughing hysterically. “I was not expecting this at all. What the fuck, Rocket? Why are you here?” He tries to compose himself. “I will make that bitch cry.”

—

**Redwing Runway**

“One of the main judges is her friend?” He shakes his head. “That ain’t right. It ain’t fair. I gotta work to send this bitch home.”

—

“Hey, tell us when you get the order sorted,” Thor says to Loki, who just waves him off, annoyed. “Give me a good spot?”

“Yes, yes. You know I will. Just worry about your roast,” Loki rolls his eyes, finding an empty table. Thor and Quill share the tables with Loki. Bucky and Steve end up at the same table. Scott and Sam share one table. Tony, Stephen and Peter take one. Matt, Bruce and Rhodey take the one next to them.

Everyone gets out of drag and they all look around to see how each of them looks like as a regular man.

—

**Star-Lady**

"Listen, between you and me?" He leans in as if telling a secret. "Thor is way too hot for this competition." He winks. "Not too hot for my bed, though." He laughs.

—

“So, Bruce, what are you gonna say in your roast?” Sam asks out of nowhere.

Bruce replies, “I don’t know, I was thinking something along the lines of ‘just go back to the trash cans’. You know, because he’s a raccoon?” He gives Sam a smile, though it was a little nervous. Tony gives him a supportive laugh while Bucky shakes his head at Sam.

—

**Iron Whore**

“I love Bruce, I do. But if he’s gonna make roasts like that...” He sighs sadly. “He might go home this week.”

—

**Enchantress**

“I’m trying to figure out the order and then Bruce starts saying his lame roasts... I guess I’ll put him after someone funny and rid him entirely.” He laughs sinisterly. “It’s a competition, baby. I’m going to do what I have to do.”

—

"Okay, gather round, boys. I have the order," Loki announces. Everyone quickly assembles as Loki begins, "Alright, so Iron is first, followed by Bruce."

—

**Bruce the Drag Queen**

"Enchantress put me after someone who's actually funny?" He rubs his face with stress. "I'm going to die."

—

**Redwing Runway**

"I see what's happening here." He grins. "Bruce is going home this week."

—

"After Bruce will be Machine, MJ, Robyn, Wasp, Redwing, Winter, Jessica, Sorceress, Liberty, Thor and then me. Star-Lady will end off the set," Loki finishes.

—

**Enchantress**

He smiles. "I have a plan, you see." He lists off with his fingers as he talks. "Iron is funny, so Bruce's act will be very weak following up to a hilarious opening act. Following up with Machine, who's pretty great in her deadpan humour style. Michelle goes after. She's young, probably only knows schoolyard roasts. Machine's act will put Michelle's in the water. Robyn goes next, and we all know she's not very funny. Wasp goes after her and, reluctantly, I admit that Wasp is very likeable and I would like for her to stay in this competition longer. So, Wasp after Robyn will definitely land Wasp in safe and Robyn, hopefully, in bottom two. I prefer Redwing over Winter and thankfully, Redwing is funnier. Ergo, Redwing before Winter. Winter's act will pale in comparison and that's why I'm putting Jessica Jones right after. She's the damn devil, I'm not about to help the devil sink just yet. After Jessica will be Sorceress who's also not bad. I like her. She could land in safe with Liberty after her. Liberty... Listen, Liberty is not funny. She's going to kiss America's ass in her act, just watch. Thor and me after Liberty will land us in safe. Preferably, I land in top two. Star-Lady, well... as it turns out, my brother really likes her, so I guess I have to give her a good spot. It's good that she's already funny and knows the one we're reading, so she already has an advantage." He leans back and spreads his arms. "Voila."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if it's not obvious, loki's master plan was kind of inspired by shangela in season 3 KMSKDNSAK


End file.
